Stevie’s Blog

I’m tired today. All my crap reality shows that I love were on tv last night & I stayed up way late watching them. Even after my shows were over & the tv was off I layed there in bed tossing & turning. I felt so restless. I’d glance over at my husband & feel love for him ….then diffrent odd memories of my life would wash over me. I’de remember …then I’de think how I would of done things diffrently …then I’de remember feelings that I use to feel …how diffrent I was. Just random crap.

I didnt’ fall asleep until 3 in the morning. I’m grumpy when I’m tired. I’ve had heartburn all day …too much green tea this morning probably. Damn’t. I haven’t ate much bc of it. It went away for a little bit after I drank my SlimFast -it was soothing.

Had plans to do Tae-Bo after work today. My mindset isn’t really up for it today …but bc I’m taking Friday off work & going on vacation until Wed. I want to workout the next 4 days to get my goal of 4 days a week of exercise in since I won’t know the next time I’ll get a workout in after Thursday?

*sigh* I’m just tired.

So Friday after feeling so discouraged I took that diet pill that had been sitting in my desk drawer at work. I started to feel the rush of caffeine come over my body, confidence was making it’s way back into my bones & my head started to lift itself up & out of pitty. It’s just sad that it takes a pill for me to get there.

Yesterday I had went to the store w/ a friend to buy my supply of diet pills. NO ONE knew that I had ever taken them & so I asked her to keep my secret, especially from my husband. She promised she would & I’m not too worried that anyone will find out. If they do, I’ll confess my sins. She asked, “Do they work?”. I replied, “How do you think I looked so good last summer in my bikini?”. I saw a puzzeld face & all she said was, “Wow, they work really well then!”. In a stupid way I felt proud.

I know that all of this is super bad for me, please -I don’t need a lecture of the facts. I’m well aware of them. I just want to lose the extra weight & then from here -maintain. I can maintain …I have to.

For the 1st time in my life I woke up today & felt like an addict. I realized that this whole weight thing is going to be a battle EVERY SINGLE DAY for the rest of my life. It’s never going to just go away. No matter how much I weigh -fat or skinny, healthy or unhealthy -it’s always going to be there w/ me. It scares me & makes me feel like “what’s the point?” but then I think of a REAL addict who’s been addicted to drugs & I’m sure they feel the same way. But the point is my sanity -my day to day life. It will be hard MOST of the time -but if I stay strong & fight this -I’ll see the point …I’ll see happiness w/in myself ….again.

Yesterday after work I did my tae-bo. I wasn’t very into it though? I just kinda went through the motions. I sweated a little bit but not as much as I have in the past. I always feel like if I’m not giving it my all & really enjoying my workout I’m not going to get the results I want.

The tv was off & it was really nice. The house was quiet, my husband & I talked. Made dinner. The problem was at 8 (when we allowed the tv to go back on) we went to the bedroom to snuggle & watch our shows …well we started to eat in bed. I couldn’t  belive it? My husband -the munching king- went through 3 bags of popcorn, made nachoes & all kinds of other stuff. Watching him eat next to me made me want to eat (no excuse -I know) so I gave in & had 3 pcs of chocolate & a bowel of special K cereal. *sighs*

I don’t know how to stop this? I’m eating good & healthy all day at work & getting my workouts in afterwards …but after my large dinners & I just keep eating until I fall asleep? Where is my will power? Where is my motivation?

It leads me to this morning. Feeling so discouraged …like I really can’t do this w/out the diet pills? I can maintain no problem -but I can’t lose w/out them. I grabbed 4 pills from my dresser drawer (I hide them so my husband won’t know -he hates anything along those lines -he hates energy drinks w/ a passion!). I hid them in my pocket before work.

They sit in my top drawer at work.

I didn’t take them yet. My thoat feels like it already has a pill stuck in it, my mouth is dry, my stomach feels naseau & I’m already shaking …all the symptoms of having taking the pill -but I didn’t take it yet. It’s like my body knows.

I feel pressured. This month my husband & I decided to take a month off from baby-making so if I were to take them at anytime -now would be the time. We might not even be able to have a baby! I want to at least feel good about myself!

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

I’m not happy today. I’ve been pretty happy & pleased w/ myself all week up until this point. I feel down in the dumps. The cloudy rainy weather we’ve had doesn’t help matters either.

I’ll get a grip, but right I want to be angry & sad.

*Sitting at work at my desk eating a sliced up orange & typing w/ sticky fingers*

So I gatta admit. My body feels a ton better after eating better & exercising just for a few days consistantly. I feel clean again.

Last night my house was a mess & it stunk! I wanted to go on a hunt & play “Find That Yucky Smell!” but I knew if I didn’t do a workout right then & there after work I wouldn’t have done it …so I got dressed & jumped on the treadmil for a while. Ran 30mins (2.75 miles) & then walked for 5mins to cool down.

Okay …but still can’t play “Find That Yucky Smell!” (in my head I’m saying it like a game show host lol) gatta shower so I don’t break out. Jumped in shower & then got dressed.

It didn’t take me long to win the game as I walked by the dogs kennel “OMG! Dog Piss!” ding! ding! ding! “Tell her what she’s won Johnny! -You’ve won a mop w/ pinsol cleaner! pin sol the lemony fresh sent that make you say “wow! that’s clean!”

Ugh.

I went to wash the dogs blankets & then a few minutes later heard what sounded like a waterfall in my backyard? The pipe broke that went to the washer & now I’ve won a swimming pool!!!! joy. Called the water district & had them turn the water off. At least I got my shower in

My husband was working late & he asked me to bring him some Taco Bell *guilty*. I ate pretty good all day. Yogurt w/ gronola for morning snack, slimfast for lunch, oatmeal w/ raisens & almonds for afternoon snack (before run) & then a cereal bar to tie me over until dinner. BUT what makes me mad is that I didn’t stop eating my taco bell until I was done. I was full 1/2 way through …but didn’t stop! I just kept on eating. I gatta remember at dinner to stop eating when I’m full. Especially when we go out to eat. Those portions are ridicoulus.

So the tv thing didn’t really go into effect bc of all the wonderful “game show playing” & late work dinner -but tonight nothing is planned so we’ll see how it all goes. Hope all my buddies are doing good!

So yesterday I decided I would take a day off from exercising to prevent getting burnt out. I had a food day at work. I didn’t have an apetite. I think it’s from drinking a cup of green tea in the morning that supresses it. I had a slimfast for lunch & in the afternoon a banana & 1/2 orange for snack.

After work I was starving! I got home & the house smelled like a deli! My husband brought home Beach Hut -mmmmmm! I ate my sanchwich & sun chips that my hubby had set up on my tv tray w/ a huge glass of water …what a sweetie huh? It was totally yummy.

I had plans to use the time of not working out & organizing & cleaning my closet out ….but my husband had put on a lifetime movie ( I got him addicted to them lol) & before I knew it it was time for bed -damn.

All while watching tv I pulled out the box of chocolates & had 3.*guilty*

This morning I told my husband how I hate watching tv all night after work & my plans of cleaning out the closet. He said, “Well why don’t we make a rule to not turn the tv on until 8pm, that’s when all our shows come on anyways & there isn’t much on tv until then?” I huged him & told him I loved him. I was soooooooo happy! And I’m soooooo excited now.

The truth is I was never much for tv. My husband was the one addicted to it. The 1st thing he does when he gets home is turn it on even if he’s not watching it. It’s like a securtiy blanket w/ him or something? Me -I’ve always been one to listen to the radio or music until my night shows come on tv to wind down. The problem is you can’t hear music over the tv & once the tv is on I’m like a zombie glued to it?? So I’m very happy that my husband is coming over to where the grass is greener!

To be honost though, all these little slips at night are making me very discouraged. I almost feel like I can’t do this w/out the weightloss pills that I onced used to get rid of an extra 10-15 pounds. I keep thinking in the back of my head -I could take them for a few weeks. But then I think what if I accidently get pregnan while being on those stupid pills? That couldn’t be good for the baby? I don’t ever want to take that chance. I guess I’m just trying to say that I feel despret sometimes I hate thinking I’m weak like that.

But I’ll be better -I promised I’de this in a healthier way. I think my husband & I have found a resolution to my problem. I’ll keep ya’ll updated

Boy did I eat a lot yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t really have my food planned for the day so maybe that hurt me. At work I kinda munched all day. I started out w/ a cup of green tea, banana, apple, 2 manderines, slimfast for lunch, a special K cereal bar & then a light yorgurt w/ gronola *adding in head* …that’s about 700 calories!!! Geez!

I went home & did a great 45min. workout w/ Tae-Bo. I got my sweat on & felt proud. I got my stregnth training in for the week.

After I got done my husband had dinner ready. Baked chicken, baked potato & corn -good stuff! So I ate dinner & then the munchies started to kick in. What triggered it was seeing my husband’s bag of cookies (huge bag!) on the computer desk -damn’t! I tried fighting it. I kept saying “no no no no no n no ….”

I thought I’ll just go to bed *looked at clock* 7:00pm -come on man! I evetually went to the kitchen & poured a bowel of Special K cereal in fat free milk mmmmm -it was so good. There. I should be satisfied. I started to twich & my monday night shows just didn’t feel right unless I was munching?! I found myself grabbing a special K cereal bar. *crunch munch swallow* -THERE! I should be satisfied!

……1 more bowel of cereal. *gulp crunch munch munch gulp*

The rest of the night was spent w/ a full tummy & a concious also full w/ guilt. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t be satisfied until I savatoged myself. The wheels in my head started to turn & I beat myself up trying to figure out why I did it & what I could do to prevent it? The only thing I found to resolve my problem was will-power & lack of it.

SO today I plan on doing better. I have a plan for my food. I’m taking a day off from exercising. I’m soar in my legs but it’s not unbearable. It actually kinda feels good. Like I have something to remind me everytime I say ouch when I get up from my desk that I’m doing something. Today will be better w/ food. One day at time.

p.s. If any buddies have any tips for my late night munchies -please! Enlighten me. Thank you.

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. I got tired of watching football so I decided to go for a run. I thought I would be a little shabby bc I haven’t put my sneakers on for a few weeks now -but I still got it! I ran for 30mins (about 2.5miles) & then walked for 20mins. It was a gorgouse Sunday day w/ the sun shining & the cool california weather seducing me.

My food wasn’t on point … but it wasn’t bad either. I had a bowel of rice Krispies w/ a sliced up banana in fat free milk for breakfast, a chicken salad (grilled chicken w/ a ton of veggies) for lunch, a yogurt w/ gronola, some diet soda, water & for dinner my husband made speghetti & meatballs w/ bead & butter (fat free). EEEK! I know! But I did run & I was at a point where I wanted to binge so I had a big dinner. I wanted to keep eating. I was having 1 of those moments. So I had an orange & then took 2 apple slices w/ peanut butter from my husband.

SOOOO I didn’t do the best last night. But it’s a hecka a lot better than what I would normally have done in that kind of moment if I wasn’t health concious -Before I would have ate the whole box of chocolates that was up there, drank a box of juice, ate some cereal & toast w/ jelly & then probaby some cookies …all in 1 sitting. SO I did okay.

p.s. my butt hurts today *lol*

So despite my New Year’s Eve dress not fitting I had a GREAT night anyways. I did feel a little fat but didn’t let it stop me from having a fabolous time w/ my friends & family. Everyone showed up, we drank, played a TON of games & took a ton of trips down memory lane as we went into the New Year.

Friday, the 1st, I woke up still drunk (it was early) & surrounded by all my guests. I was determined to lose weight now. If I wasn’t going to start today I’de never get to where I wanted to be! I drank a ton of water & our friends & family stuck around to hang out some more. We had a game of woofel ball in the backyard in the rain! It was a ton of fun & I considered it my exercise for the day.

I surprisingly wasn’t that hungry for being hungover. Usally I’m eating & drinking everything in sight in hopes of curing my hangover. BUT this day I had an orange in the morning, an applejuice that I mixed w/ water so it was sooooo sugary, cheerios w/ fat free milk, almonds (100calories) & then a hamburger made on my Goerge Forman Grill (love that damn thing) w/ a huge yummmmy salad!

I did good, but I have to admit I did have some moments that were hard. When I had to pack all the plates to send home w/ our friends & family I had to restrain my hands from grabbing a piece of fudge, cookies, chips, caramel popcorn & more cookies from going into my mouth. I didn’t realize how often that I probably grab a piece of something bad & just poped it into my mouth real fast?? But I did good.

Yesterday, Saturday the 2nd, I did pretty good again. I was kinda soar in my legs from playing woofle ball in the rain from Friday so I took the dogs for about a 40minute walk around the cemetery while my husband cleaned a headstone (his job). It felt good to get out of the house & it was a nice day out. I did good w/ eating too. My husband made breakfast so I had ONE hashbrown, 2 eggs & some ham (all cooked in butter vs oil per my request). Afterwards we went grocery shopping (even though we couldn’t really afford it) I was excited to stock up our kitchen full of GOOD stuff …it’s been a while. I had a banana, then a diet coke & then for dinner we had leftovers so I had another hamburger & BIG salad again. A little later I had an orange …it was sooo yummy.

I’m not exercising as hard as I plan on doing just yet. It’s the weekend so my goal was just to get a little motion going on. This week after work I plan on going running & hopefully doing a damn stregnth training dvd at least ONCE this week also.

I’m not going to starve myself. I’m going to eat plenty of food & it’s all going to be good nutritious food that will feed my body what it needs. I am eating more salads …am using Ranch but I’ve never been one to drown my salads in dressing (like my husband, I always tease him).

Last night my stomach did hurt but I figured it was just it’s way of telling me that it’s getting out all the yucky stuff & getting used to absorbing good stuff. Detoxing & transitioning. My body will be better in the end.

I’m determined to do this the healthy way & that means it’s going to take a little bit longer but by doing it this way that means it will stick longer too! I’m proud of myself so far -I did the hardest days of dieting ….on the weekend! I hope all my buddies are off to a good start this new year too! Love you all!

Last night I cleaned the house up & down & even started decorating for my New Year’s Eve party tonight. Since I work & don’t get off until 4:30 & friends/family will probably already be there visiting w/ my husband by the time I get home I wanted everything prepared!

After all my ducks were in a row I pulled out my gorgeous silk brown gown the shimmered w/ gold flitter all over. I rubbed my hand over it & then took a deep breath  …the time is now to see if it still fits for my party.

I put on a body tightening thingy that I had from my wedding 2 years ago that I hoped would kinda suck everything in …it didn’t. I then SQUEEZED & PUSHED myself through the dress …taking gasps of air & my face all red I turned to face the mirror -UGH, complete disgust.

I guess I gained more weight than I thought? I looked pregnant! With a big round belly as big as Santas I decided that I couldn’t wear my dress.

I put it back in the closet while telling myself , “I swear I’ll be able to wear it next year.” & then I pulled out comfy pair of jeans & my favorite American Eagle t-shirt that said “Bottoms Up” & layed it out in my dress’s place.

What a shame.

I’m about 90% all better & healthy. Today I actually woke up w/ energy! I was my normal perky self at work & it feels sooooo good to be back. Nothing like being sick to make you feel lucky to be healthy!