Stevie’s Blog

I’m convinced that not only does God have a sense of humore, but so does Mother Nature. TOM has the worst timing ever! Today is my potluck at work. A time when I’m forced to be happy & chipper around all my co-workers at once. There is no avoiding them! Usually that’s not hard at all, I’m a pretty happy chipper chick -but on TOM’s 1st day visit. Ugh! Go Away TOM!

I have a tendency to use a lot of my sick time bc of it. I’m 1 of those girls who get the worst visits ever. All I want to do is roll around in my bed & cry & scream, then pass out & have weird dreams (like I always do when TOM is here, it’s weird?). But I can’t do that today. I think it should be mandatory for women to get 2 days off a month just for that reason. It would be doing EVERYONE a big favor.

I’m just not in the mood I need to be in. After work I have to clean my entire house for guests tomorrow …oh crap -& then tomorrow. I have to be chipper & happy around family! That’s even worse! Please someone just shoot me *points finger to head*.

Sorry for the crummy blog. I just hate today & anything that crosses my way. I’m truely evil *steam rises from head, eyes turn red, & forhead wrinkles up*.

So I mentioned that I bought this pedometer at Target last weekend. I was going to start wearing it at work so I knew how much I walked & to kind of motivate me to move around the office a little more. Yesterday was the 1st day I used it. It definatly helped in the motivation part. I found myself getting up to sweep when I didn’t have work at my desk, walking down to the break room more often (for water! no snacks *haha*) & ect. 

Well when I got home yesterday I pulled my ‘lil pedometer off & was excited to read….. “ALMOST 2 miles?????! What the heck?! That’s all I walked in an entire work day? Holy crap -that sucks!”, I screamed in my head. I really couldn’t belive that I didn’t even get 2 miles in my day? I really thought that I was more active than that for having a desk job. Talk about a wake up call.

So today I got to go outside & check a headstone out (I work in a cemetery), so I got a breif walk in which will help. I’m 1/2 way through my day & already got 2 miles in. I’m still excited over my new toy. It’s helping me move more & makeing goals even though I’m at work. Yeeeeaaaaa

This last weekend didn’t go as planned -of course! But I did manage to get to the store & bought a few weeks worth of slimfast & a pedometer. I’m not too sure when I’m going to start the slimfast diet. It’s so hard bc my work’s thanksgiving is Wed., our Thanksgiving is Thursday then this weekend is Black Friday which leads to a lot of eating out & whatever is convenient. Ugh. Stupid holidays.

I am wearing my Pedometer. I’m really excited! I put it on today & plan on wearing it at work to help motivate me to move around the office more. And to see how far I walk (out of curisity). It was only $10 & I tested it out on my treadmil & it’s pretty acurate?! I was surprised for something that only cost me $10 bucks. Sweeeet!

Sooooo again, the weekend didn’t go as planned. I woke up too late to exercise before watching my husband’s wooden bat tournament -which by the way was waaaaay too cold out to be sitting & watching guys play softball. But they lost their 3 games so we got to go home early. Nomally I wouldn’t have been so excited *haha*.  Then afterwards we went over to my cousin’s to celebrate birthdays & I drank way too much that lead me dead & useless Sunday -my bad! Had a blast though *haha*.

THEN on top of it all my husband was sick yesterday! So I’ve been taking airborn & pumping my body full of vitamins like crazy, washing my hands & praying I don’t catch it!

I have missed running lately though. I have ran in a while & I start to get that itch. I can hear my tennie shoes, “put me on steeeevie -use me” My treadmil in the background (has a deeper voice for some reason?), “STEVIE -you paid all that money, dust me off & stomp on me damn’t!” …it’s more aggresive too *haha* I’m phyco, I know. So perhaps if my husband falls asleep I’ll sneak a much needed missed run in.

*sighs*. It truely is a lot harder to lead a healthy lifestyle during the seasons. There are so many more excuses, obstacles & gloomy weather that doesn’t help motivate. But I’ll find my way through it, even if I keep falling on my face -I’ll get back up.

I always fall off track or crash & burn on the weekends. SO I decided this weekend I would START my healthy lifestyle. Tomorrow (Sat.) I’m going to go buy a new workout DVD, slimfast, & other healthy foods. Buying all the stuff will def. motivate me to start & be healthier.

I’m then going to put myself on a diet that consists of slimfast, salads, soups, green tea & water. I’m going to focus on time when it comes to exercising. It isn’t going to matter what kind of workout I’m doing, as long as I’m doing it for at least 30mins almost everyday!

I think I can do this. It will be easy. I’ve done a diet like this before & it worked like magic bc it’s EASY! I’ll blog after tomorrow to update my status & where I stand.

First off, I want to thank all my buddies for their support. Especially the ones who commented on my last blog, “My Switch”. You guys cracked me up & knocked some sense back into my brain.

That leads to me to my day yesterday…or the last couple of days where my head as been in the clouds. I’ve been drinking beer after work, eating cookies, candy, fatty dinners … and afterwards just feeling like crap about myself.

Yesterday after work I met up w/ my husband to look through some handy down clothes, then I wanted to go to Taco Bell. They had been advertising the Chessy Gordita Crunches …and there for a limited time only! So I ate 3. Ugh. This morning I feel tired, my body feels like crap, & I’m naseated. OKAY! I get it! I can’t eat bad foods, unless I want to feel bad.

I have to get back into the game. Thanks for turning my switch on Andrea, & thanks Nancy for grabbing my hand & pulling me off the couch. Love you guys!

I’ve always imagined this light switch up in my brain. It turns off & on the diet part in my head. When it’s on, it’s on! I’m focused, driven, making right choices, eating healthy, not binging, exercise on the brain, reading fitness magazines & drinking tons of water.

When it’s off, it’s off. I don’t care anymore, I eat whatever, however I want. I hate exercising, all I want to do is be lazy & live my life.

Right now the switch is off & I wish the skinny girl in me would pull the covers off & go turn it back on.

Today I think of the word “Diet” & I shrivle up inside. I absolutly am in a mood where I HATE the thought of dieting. I think I’m just fed up at this point. I’m sick & tired of trying, I’m sick of feeling guilty when I eat something bad, I’m tired of trying to find motivation to exercise, lately I don’t want to log what I’ve done bc it doesn’t feel good enough.  I’m SICK of dieting.

My switch is off.

I had been looking forward to going to Reno for my cousin, Kim’s, Bday for weeks now! The weekend was finally here. I got up early Saturday & was in the truck, ready to go! We picked up our friends (a couple) & met up w/ my cousin & her husband & started our weekend trip to Reno!

WELL, the weekend was almost a bust. the couple friend that we picked up fought the entire time! It was a total buzz kill. And the guy that was part of the fighting couple won $1300 & didn’t kick down for gas money (we drove them there & home & even skipped out a couple of bucks on EVERY meal. My husband kept getting stuck w/ the bills when we went out to eat & no one was paying enough on their tab so my husband ended up paying way more than he should have.

That night the argueing couple even went to bed by 10pm!! They bitched the entire time that they had the roll away (they didn’t even pay their fair share for the room?!) I grew some balls & said, “You know your bf won enough money -you guys could get your own room”. The tight asses shut up real fast after that.

We were kinda of relieved that they went to bed early though bc the rest of the night we actually had some fun! We didn’t win, but at least we were able to laugh & be goofy.

Sunday I made sure the waitress made sepreate tabs for our orders -found out our bill was the cheapest the rest of the day! Ugh.

So it wasn’t the best trip. I ate & drank a lot & it wasn’t even all worth it. I’m excited to spend some alone time w/ my husband though. I think I need to hang w/ stupid stupid ppl every once in a while to appreciate being alone w/ just me & my hubby.

Okay done venting -back to dieting & routine!

Yesterday was quiet the adventure. It started out normally w/ work. I had coffee in the morning that kept me good until lunch. I ate some oatmeal at lunchtime, yorgurt w/ gronola for an afternoon snack & then before I knew it, it was time to go home.

When I got home I kissed my husband, got into some sweats & jumped on my treadmill. About 20mins in, a mile later, the spot above my ankles started to KILL me?! I could feel my muscles tighten & my ligaments straining -what the hell? All I could think of was that I needed new tenni shoes.

I was in a zone though w/ my music in my ears so I threw myself on the floor & started to do random exercises that I remembered from DVD’s I’ve worked out to. I worked on my abs, then some exercises using my 3lb dumbbells. I did that for about 10mins until I smelt dinner coming from the kitchen -mmmm-food!

I jumped in the shower, threw on PJ’s & ate my husband’s food. Baked chicken, corn & potatos. And I only put on my plate what I would eat as if I was eating in front of co-workers (bc I never eat a lot in front of them).

After dinner I started to pack for my trip to Reno this weekend. I started to pull out all my cute sexy tops, then I looked at all my jeans. I decided to try on outfits bc I know that Sat. morning my husband would be rushing me out the door & I didn’t want to deal w/ a wordrobe malfunction that would end up ruining my entire day. As I started to try on pants, 1 by 1, none of them were fitting! My husband sat on the bed watching me, trying to figure out what the problem was as I huffed & puffed & cursed myself out throwing my mirror the finger after every failed pair of jeans.

My husband finally asked in a calm (almost scared) tone, “What’s wrong baby?” -I screamed “Nothing fits! I’m fat! I can’t belive that none my pants fit me anymore!” he slowely picked his words, “But Baby, I thought that’s why we went shopping at wal*mart last night? What about the jeans you bought from there?” I screamed again, “They don’t fit!I need low risers so my stomach doesn’t bulge over the pants! They have to be flare, & long! I have huge hips & all these pants go up to my belly button! All my good jeans don’t fit!!!”. He then calmly asked, “Do you want to go to the store to buy some?” It was 7pm in the evening & I bizzarly said yes.

My sweet sweet husband just wanted to see me happy. On the car ride over to the mall he made it very specific, “I love you & find you very sexy still. I don’t think you’re fat, & even if you did gain a few pounds, it wouldn’t bother me bc I love you. ” -sweet sweet man! I explained that I understood & my issues w/ my body were my own & how I percieve myself.

We went to the mall & searched high & low for a pair pants that would fit my body. I hate shopping for pants it’s like trying to search for buried treasure! I finally found a pair that fit me good. I went home & tried on my outfit, I smiled & said, “damn I’m a sexy bitch!” my husband looked at me & said -”that’s all I wanted to hear & see -is you happy. “

After 1 year of trying to get pregnant & nothing happening I of course went to the Dr’s & got checked out. According to the pro’s I’m ready to be a baby making machine & got great hips for it haha. My husband on the other hand wouldn’t go. I got tired of nagging him & gave up on all hope.

2 years later any thoughts of a baby were earesed from my thoughts. I gave up on the idea & grew on the fact that I would never have babies. I was okay with that. I looked at all the positive points. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. All I had to worry about was myself! I even started to look at my friends who did have children, they looked miserable! They would keep saying, “I love them BUT…” haha. I started to love the fact that I didn’t have kids.

Recently I decided to get on the pill again. It would help me become regular, help with cramps & even clear up my face. Why not? After I told my husband this he started to get defensive. All of a sudden now he wants to go to the doctors & talk about what his probs are??? After FIVE -FIVE-FIVE years!!! What the hell?

We go to the doctors & as we suspected it is bc of his diabetes that is keeping us from getting pregnant. But there is a solution. Sudefed. I know, you’re all like, “What??” I won’t get into details -but it works for most.

So now after all these years, all this time that I’ve brainwashed myself -we have the option to have babies?? (This all happened 2 weeks ago by the way).

So now he’s been taking Sudefed & I’m just going through the motions -not really thinking about the whole “baby” thing at all bc honostly I can’t even imagine it anymore? While my husband last night reveals that’s ALL he’s been thinking about? We talked & talked & even argued in bed last night over the baby thing.

So he asks me, “So it comes down to it? Do you want a baby or not?”….I sat there in the dark thinking how not to hurt his feelings? I just said, “I think we both know the answer to this one”. Rolled over & went to sleep no problem while my husband sat up all night, tossed & turned.  (I know how sad huh?! I feel like a horrible monter? Usally it’s the guy acting like this! Not the chick?!).

All night last night I kept dreaming of this little baby boy that looked like my husband with chunky cheeks, brown hair & big blue eyes -all he did was smile while I held him.

I woke up this morning & ran outside & yelled, “JAY!” he came running & I threw myself into his arms about to cry, ” I want a baby. I really do. I’m sorry -I’m just scared. ” He asked, “what made you change your mind?” I replied, “God gave me dream & let me knew that everything was going to be okay. You trust me?” -he said, “Of course”.

He was all happy again & excited. Me, still scared -but now I’m more happy & excited about the whole baby thing.

I know this blog doesn’t have a lot to do w/ weightloss. But I am scared about the weight I’ll gain & if I do get pregnant how to lose the weight while trying to be a Mom?! I know that this site will help me though. I know there are a lot of Mom’s here who have succeeded this & can give me tips.

I really want to practice my healthy lifestyle now. I have to! It would be great to lose a few lbs before I get pregnant. Then while I am I will already be in a healthy lifestyle & won’t get huge! Ugh, so many thoughts running through my head. I don’t even know if we will get pregnant after all this talk. Maybe I’m just protecting myself from getting hurt again like I felt a few yrs ago?

Anyways, I hope all my buddies are doing good & sorry for the chatty blog. I had to get it out somewhere. Thanks for reading.